Larry is the owner of the CD Cellar in Anniston, AL, and composes one of the most bitter and truly laugh-each-line ongoing missives I have ever read, in his weekly sales report that he sends out to record labels and the like. In a just world, someone would throw a pile of money at Larry to write whatever he pleases, and the hacks employed by the numerous new-media pseudo-empires would be working the menial clerical jobs they are destined to slog through.

Previously, Larry’s missives have been confined to a closed readership of those on his email list, but today Bloodshot named CD Cellar their store of the month and posted some of Larry’s greatest hits. To read them, go here (you’ll have to scroll down about halfway before you see the brilliance in store.)

A highlight:

” Last weekend was a liberal’s wet dream. We took Andrew to the Jimmy Carter book signing in Birmingham. Pres. Carter took time to speak to and ask about Andrew. We were thrilled. But let’s talk about the action outside, in the line to get in. I’ve never been forced into a situation with more officious, smug, arrogant assholes in my life. All the Dems in the line made it a point to make fun of anyone who they felt wasn’t part of their sensible shoe wearing gang mentality. No wonder Republicans in the South can’t stand us. Hell, I couldn’t stand us. There was a gentleman standing twenty-five feet from the line with a sign protesting some of Carter’s statements about the Palestinians. The best we had to debate him was some burly, hirsute ONE ARMED fucker. No wonder folks call us pussies. After sticking one of his five digits in the man’s face, people actually cheered and tried to egg them on to fight. It would have went something like this: The Def Lep Democrat would swing, miss and fall down. The protester would piss himself, soiling his only cheap suit and Velcro sneakers. After the anti-climatic finish, I would puke and renounce my citizenship.”