The Infamous Bowl
In a bit that has become his trademark, Patton Oswalt described KFC’s “Famous Bowl” as “a failure pile in a sadness bowl.” Oswalt clearly has an ax to grind with KFC’s culinary delight, as he recently followed up his rant with a hatchet piece for The Onion AV Club in which he declared, “It’s goddamn horrible, this Famous Bowl.”
I’m unclear when we began receiving gastronomical insight from someone whose claim to fame is a role in The King of Queens, a perennial favorite among people stuck at the laundromat and those unable to grasp the subtleties of TMZ on TV. Regardless, Oswalt has done much to erode the Famous Bowl’s standing in the popular imagination.
Yet for those unlike Oswalt, the rare breed with a heightened appreciation of comestibles, the Famous Bowl is near junk-food nirvana. An incomparable melange of so many forms of savory goodness that its succulence seems granted from above.
Admittedly, this is a bowl filled to the brim with fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and topped with an aperitive layer of cheese. My doctor would not endorse the Famous Bowl, and my wife certainly does not. Not unlike the fried meat and cheese abominations that morbidly obese middle-aged white men mow down on at the Costco food court, The Famous Bowl is a study in the abject cynicism of the fast-food industry, and places KFC’s corporate owners (the coquettishly-named Yum! Foods) one rung higher in hell than the gentlemen at R.J. Reynolds. God may not play dice with the Universe, but fast food company executives don’t hesitate to play dice with their customers’ arteries.
Despite all this, like cigarettes, Deep-Fried Twinkies and Canadian Club whiskey, The Famous Bowl is a transcendent abomination.
When my vegan wife and I met, she was understandably horrified by my enthusiasm for such food. I continued to eat as such for two years, being largely unfazed by her dietary entreaties. After growing up in Santa Cruz, dating vegetarians and vegans nearly exclusively, and playing in a band with a vegan whose dietary intake was restricted to toast with nutritional yeast and 40’s of Mickey’s, being around non-meat-eaters was a more common experience than the contrary.
In the past year, I have chosen to give up meat due to my general disgust with the practices and politics of the meat industry, and the troubling implications of bioengineering. It’s a personal ethical choice I choose to make.
In short, I’m not here to argue these points — I don’t give a shit what you choose to eat, and don’t begrudge anyone their cheeseburger. No, this is the point I am here to express:
Giving up meat need not be an exercise in dietary self-flaggelation, even though many vegetarians and vegans seem to think it does. To wit, here is a sample vegan dinner from Dr. Joel Fuhrman’s veggie bible Eat to Live:
Salad with lemon and shredded pear
Steamed Swiss Chard and Zucchini
Acorn Squash Supreme
I say to Mr. Fuhrman: nay! We shall enjoy our crap food whether we are omnivores, vegetarians, vegans, or even detestable freegans/trust-fund-bums.
To this end, in recent months I’ve used the kitchen as a laboratory to turn out some of the most unhealthy vegan culinary delights known to man. And while I haven’t found suitable equivalents for some of my favorite foods from my omnivore days (Pork and Beans may be, by definition, un-veganizable,) I chose to turn my studies to the creation of a culinary holy grail: A veganized Famous Bowl. With my better vegan half out of town last weekend, I decided to devote myself to obtaining this quarry.
In honor of vegans’ inexplicable fondness for cutesy puns, I shall call it the “Infamous Bowl”.
For this process, I had to consider the many sumptuous flavors that the Famous Bowl brings together, and how to replace each:
| Original Famous Bowl |
Vegan “IN”Famous Bowl |
| Mashed Potatoes | Mashed Potatoes w/ soy and Earth Balance |
| Fried Chicken | Faux Chicken |
| Cheese | Soy Cheese |
| Gravy | Vegan Gravy (see this recipe) |
| Corn | Corn |
Really not such a tall order, when you consider it. But, the question would be, how would this miracle of junk food science translate? And I imagine you asking, “how might I vegazine the edible glory that is the Famous Bowl?” Allow me, young apostle, to guide you through the process.
This isn’t a recipe per se — generally I just cook by what feels like the right amount, as opposed to measurements. Common sense usually prevails. Instead, in the gallery below, I offer a step-by-step guide on how to construct your own vegan Infamous Bowl. Below the gallery, a verdict on the finished product.
The verdict? Decent — full of the starchy substance absent in many herbivore diets yet missing a certain — how shall I put it — je ne se quo? The mistake I made was going with the cheap Trader Joe’s faux-chicken strips, instead of a true fried-chicken substitute such as Chick Patties. No worries, however — it was an auspicious first venture into a brave new world of vegan dining, one I entreaty both omnivores and herbivores to join me on.
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13 Comments »
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Kudos, sir!
I’m totally a meat-eater, but I had the most bangin’ mac and cheese I’ve ever had in my life at this place called Soul Vegetarian Cafe and Exodus this past weekend and it’s vegan. I went back and had some more today. Soooo good!
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Kira -
@KIRA: Soul Veg is the best. Worth checking out for people of any dietary persuasions.
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Paul M Davis (author) -
if you don’t send this along to Josh at Herbivore, you’re in trouble.
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Humorous to the max! I very much appreciate the step by step pictures accompanying said descriptions. Glad to know you’re spending your time well! Ive recently created
an awesome vegan hot n’ sour soup if you and the wife get
chefs block and need a recipe. Encore! Encore!//
jenaya -
A MISSIVE FROM THE MRS
I don’t begrudge anyone their right to enjoy novelty food.
But the veganizing of the famous bowl is just about the pinnacle of non veganism to me. It adheres to the letter but not the spirit of the law in a troubling way. It is my opinion (and I live with him so I get an opinion) that Mr. Davis’ glee over the famous bowl, and I believe most people’s, has to do with the excitement of stretching the boundaries of what we can call a meal. It seems in plausible that the famous bowl’s contents could be combined and called a meal but if KFC says so then it must be okay to eat! I think what people are enjoying is it’s inherent ridiculousness and the almost kitsch value it has as a representative of Americana. By eating the famous bowl we are exercising our right as Americans to enjoy the incredible combinations of crappy foods that are our birth right.
To eat the famous bowl one must treat is as though it exists in a vacuum. The egregious combination of substances when taken as a whole represent a bowl of bad policy and the height of nutritional failure, reasons that would compel anyone to agree it’s inedible. I hold the same position as Mr. Davis in that I have no desire to fight things in the you’re damned for eating a cheeseburger vein. We agreed before he moved in to respect each other’s lifestyles and this was in a pro cheeseburger phase for Mr. Davis. Still he’s crossing the line perpetuating the “self-flagellation” myth about vegans. I am always surprised when people comment,” That’s nice for you but I actually enjoy my food.” I would be willing to argue that I enjoy my food more than the most fervent famous bowl consumer.
I can appreciate my food in a different way because I am aware of it’s relationship to my body and I understand how it is interacting with me. I appreciate it as a very specific choice, I eat what I eat on purpose with a clear sense of why I choose it as opposed to other food. I appreciate my food because in a daily way I am expressing my own ethical and moral beliefs regarding my own health, the health of animals we consume and the health of our country. I appreciate my food because I don’t feel duped or confused by the FDA, I am making my choices free of influence. I understand what is necessary and unnecessary for my well being and don’t second guess my choices because of a new ad campaign for bread or pork or milk or what have you.
And to Mr. Davis’ Acorn Squash comment- it has been my experience that by cutting out the many many additives and stimulants we take for granted in our food I can actually taste an acorn squash and appreciate it’s flavor. I remember after the first three weeks of vegan living eating a power bar and feeling like I had just buried my face in a bag of sugar. I realized that my taste buds we’re operating from a new perspective and my ability to taste food had completely changed.
Finally veganism is not about recreating the famous bowl to me. Mr. Davis is still participating in what is often referred to as the world of Industrial Organics or at the very least the new mass culture of “healthful” foods that get sold on the merit of undefinable words like “natural” on the packaging. Buying Chick Patties is not vegan to me, yes there are no meat or dairy products in it, but there are also zero meaningful health benefits and they perpetuate a negative idea about what a meal MUST consist of. Veganism should be about health not replacing one nutritionally poor habit for another.
While I respect Mr. Davis’ whimsy and dedication to humorous and novelty food items I would ask that he enjoy these things without knocking my desire to eat swiss chard.
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Daria Davis -
@DAN: Done and done!
//Paul M Davis (author) -
@MRS. DAVIS: I stand by my article and my sources.
//Paul M Davis (author) -
I say bravo to you Mr. Davis!
As a one time vegan, I was dedicated to dispelling the myth that a vegan diet had to be a healthy one. In fact many of my vegan friends were some of the most unhealthy people I have ever met. (and not due to the typical “malnutrition” argument often used by naysayers, we just ate junk food.)To the liberated vegans and vegetarians of the world I vehemently remind you:
Twizzlers CAN be a meal,
tofu tastes best deep fried with gravy,
soy dream “ice cream” goes great in malt liquor,
and most importantly,
Paul Davis is your savior for making the single greatest culinary creation of our lifetimes safe for conscious consumption.
May the bowl indeed be infamous! -
@GLEVINSON: I accept your challenge, sir.
//Paul M Davis (author) -
Paul! I remember you describing the Famous Bowl a year or so ago—first time I’d heard of it, and it sounded so amazing! I especially admire the shredded cheese topping, because it really is the most ridiculous part. The over-the-top(ping)?
Alas, I haven’t eaten meat for awhile now, so even though I still think fried chicken smells really good, I’ve been craving a veg/vegan Famous Bowl Experience. Thank you for creating it and testing it out. New frontiers! I’ve done a veg shepherd’s pie before (hey—good for St. Patrick’s Day!), but the Famous Bowl is so totally AMERICA (Fourth of July?!). Throw some hot dogs or Cooler Ranch Doritos on top, and we could rename it the Freedom Bowl.
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Laura Pearson -
@LAURA: Yeah Veg Shepherd’s Pie is where it’s at, I think I’m pretty sold on your Freedom Bowl idea, though.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that name was on the table at some point during the marketing meetings for the Famous Bowl.
//Paul M Davis (author) -
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Well done, sir. I offer you your next challenge: a vegan slinger.
To wit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slinger
Game on.
12 March 2008 at 7:39 pm