This is supposed to be the reality age, isn’t it? Maybe all this reality TV is speaking to the reality check America’s yearning for. A reality check is certainly what the President seems to need these days. This week, he’s calling the war in Afghanistan “romantic,” openly yearning to be on the “front lines.”

After eight years, I think America knows pretty well that its President deals in fantasy worlds, but I wonder if George realizes that war is not what it looks like on that ridiculous 3 Doors Down video for the National Guard (I had no idea until that video that the National Guard fought the Revolutionary War…amazing).

Someone forgot about $236 million in reality checks for one of the world’s oldest investment banks (one that’s survived the Depression and World War II), when Bear Stearns crumbled like a house of cards over the weekend, allowing JPMorganChase to basically buy a 14,000 employee company for free thanks to a government bailout. On a Sunday, no less! I thought America was a god-fearing nation that didn’t work on the Sabbath unless you wore a football helmet. You mean we, taxpayers, get to help JPMorganChase buy Bear Stearns? Where do I sign up for that? And exactly who was minding the store at Bear Stearns?

And how about some reality checks for Barack and Hillary? Everyone’s been talking about how great it is for the Democrats to have the first viable woman and first viable black candidate for President. It’s great if you know how to use to your advantage. It seems Barack’s people have forgotten. His communication people are still nitpicking at Hillary’s tax returns like they’re going to reveal anything other than what we already know: the fact that the Clinton’s are friggin’ rich and getting donations from the fellow friggin’ rich. Then after he calls Geraldine Ferraro’s comments about his race advantage “ridiculous,” he’s forced to denounce and fire his minister, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, for saying Clinton has an advantage becausee she’s white. I find myself getting increasingly skeptical that the Democrats have any idea what to do with this election. After spending the majority of the season avoiding the identity politics, all of the sudden both candidates seem to want to play the minority card as much as possible. The reason Barack and Hillary have energized the voters is precisely because they’ve avoided playing the minority card. Why play it now? Do you really think that playing the card more is going to work against McCain? Get past the hype and I’m not entirely sure Obama v. McCain won’t turn out to be a what-if-we-hit-the-time-machine-scramble matchup of all-time mediocrity between John Kerry v. Bob Dole.

Can we get a reality check for the State of California as well? California mandates a 3 hour sexual harrassment training online for office managers that is frightening reminiscent of “The Seven Promises of a Promise Keeper.” Here’s a sample scenario: an effete-looking Asian man (PowerPoint clip art) with a harelip named Cable (is Cable a Burmese name? is it pronounced cah-blay like Michael Buble?) is openly gay and the women in the office can’t believe Cable is gay. So the ladies who lunch decide as a group, they’re going to intervene and un-gay him. Stop, pause–if I was Cable’s manager, what would I do? Stop, pause – what parallel universe does this office exist in? It’s a fairly small sect of the religious right that actually have organizations designed to cure homosexuality to begin with. How is it possible that this type of scenario would happen often enough to actually serve a semi-realistic scenario. Who wrote this training? James Dobson? Reverend Jeremiah Wright?

And lastly, perhaps the final, most persuasive evidence of this week’s need for a reality check, Abba drummer, Ola Brunkert, falls through a window and the broken glass slits his throat. What a horrible way to go! You could put that in a horror movie screenplay and it wouldn’t sell (“I haven’t seen something this implausible since Dead Alive, Mr. Barker, I’m afraid, no dice.”).

RIP, Dancing Queen, RIP.