I’m not one of those television viewers who scoffs at reality television as a form of junk food. Certainly much of it is (ever watch Don’t Forget The Lyrics and feel sorry for Wayne Brady?) but there are profound philosophical lessons to be learned from the quality long runners (The Amazing Race, Project Runway - soon to be on Lifetime?) and the so-trashy-it’s-good ones (America’s Next Top Model, even Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares on BBC).

The latest of this trashy good group is Rock the Cradle. Judging from the horrific title, you might find yourself confused, thinking this is a younger version of School of Rock, a show about diaper-clad babies playing rock music. Uninteresting, right? But wait, Rock the Cradle is a pastiche of American Idol with rockstar progeny, nine of them, competing for a major-label record deal. One of these kids are going to make a ton of money…and we’ll find their albums three years later in bargain bins, playing for free on a Six Flags tour with Taylor Hicks. I’ve always wondered why they don’t disclose those prize details to contestants.

You’ve got the kids of Bobby Brown, MC Hammer, Dee Snider, and Olivia Newton-John. Poor Olivia Newton-John’s kid, Chloe has had so much bad plastic surgery that she looks like Marilyn Manson’s kid. Landon Brown ain’t Whitney’s kid and frankly, he’s so much better looking than Bobby that one wonders whether Bobby received wise legal counsel (paternity test, BB, paternity test). Dee Snider’s kid plays for a band named Baptized by Fire, which he refers to as BFX (where did the “X” come from?). There’s Al B. Sure’s kid, who’s just Lil B. Sure. Why go with the Christian name, right? Especially when everyone’s forgotten who Al B. Sure is.

Related? Really?

There’s a healthy dose of absurdity throughtout, from the parent/child relationships to the dumbstruck hosts and judges. The parents have to say they love their kids constantly even when the kids can’t hold a tune because they’re on television. And then there’s the lifeless host Ryan Devlin who has parlayed his roles on Veronica Mars and CSI: Miami into a role he’s clearly not excited about. When your bio reads that you’re a “Michigan native” first (and that’s relevant, because…), you know you’re dregging the bottom of the Ryan Seacrest ocean.

Ultimately, this is a show about privileged kids trying valiantly to escape the shadows of their famous parents…by appearing on a singing competition that exists only because of their famous parents. But hey, nobody said Rock the Cradle was an intelligence competition. Well, nobody said these kids could sing either, I suppose.

Other Quick Bits
- Thanks to Hell’s Kitchen for maintaining its high standards for mediocre contestants this season. All of the men this season appear to have escaped a local mental institution. There are even two (what are the chances of two?) men with shaved heads and cranial scars. Are they still doing lobotomies at Cuckoo’s Nest?

- The Office may be the only decent network sitcom left. It’s not the UK version but Steve Carell and Dunder Mifflin have made this series all their own by giving it longevity. This season’s opener features the couples dinner party from hell. Most shows peter out once the characters start dating each other (Joanie Loves Chachi, for instance) but The Office is having none of that. When Steve Carell invites the couples in his office for a dinner party with him and his girlfriend and starts airing out his dirty laundry about his vasectomy-reverse-vasectomy-vasectomy, the show hits new heights.

- For those keeping track of my previous columns (okay, only I’m keeping track), Diddy’s Making the Band did indeed produce two #1 albums (Danity Kane’s “Welcome to the Dollhouse” and Day26’s self-titled debut). After last week’s ATA bankruptcy, Frontier Airlines rang the Chapter 11 bell just days later. And Fed Chairman Bernanke and JPMorganChase’s CEO further explains to Congress how the Fed bought Bear Stearns and gave it to JPMorganChase for free.