Previous installments of Mt. Olympus, Miami

Dear Oracle,

Two weeks ago I met this amazing guy. Okay, not just amazing—perfect. He’s smart, funny, attentive, sweet, gorgeous . . . He likes the same films as me, the same TV shows, same music, same musicals, same drinks, same foods . . . He loves animals, he wants kids, he’s an amazing cook and an even more amazing lover . . . He’s kind, generous, humble, athletic, sensitive, charismatic, down-to-earth, six foot two . . . Do I go on? He’s trilingual. He has the bluest blue eyes. The cutest smile. The sexiest Greek accent. Really nice hair.

So after a few dates I introduce Mr. Perfect to my friends, and they fall head over heels for him as well. “Oh my god,” they all tell me. “This is it. He’s perfect. He’s the one.” I’m already imagining the wedding at this point. Imagining the honeymoon. The rings on our fingers. The wood grain on our future baby’s crib.

But then this one friend, I’ll call her Sylvia, tells me she thinks Mr. Perfect is too perfect. She suspects he’s not what he seems to be. She says she has this other friend, I’ll call her Latriece, who met the perfect guy—handsome, flawless personality, same interests, shared aspirations and dreams—but after a few weeks of showing off Mr. Perfect to her family and friends Latriece discovered an inconvenient truth—that Mr. Perfect wasn’t a man. In fact, he wasn’t even human. He was a god. A god who apparently really loved the ladies.

So—ridiculous, right? Except then Sylvia tells me all the juicy details. She says that Latriece said that this god, who enjoyed numerous conquests with mortal women, had an incredibly jealous goddess wife. And when this wife discovered her husband’s infidelities, she tended to take her anger out not on her husband, but on the women. And this goddess did not play around. She tricked one woman into asking the god to reveal his true form, which caused the woman to instantly burst into flames. She tied the legs of another woman in knots in an attempt to prevent the birth of her bastard child. She turned women into monsters, she murdered their children, she drove their children insane so that they murdered their own children, she sent gadflies to sting them as they wandered the earth for all of eternity. She was not a woman to be scorned.

So, I have mixed feelings about all of this. One the one hand, I am not thrilled about potentially having my legs tied in knots, or my children murdered, or gadflies sent to sting me for all of eternity. But on the other hand—what are the chances of any of those things actually happening? What are the chances that my Mr. Perfect really is a philandering god with an ultra-jealous, ultra-sadist, ultra-vengeful wife? Apparently Latriece survived just fine, although Sylvia says that Latriece only avoided the goddess’s wrath because she dumped her Mr. Perfect before Mrs. Perfect grew wise to the affair. But then again, what if my Mr. Perfect is a god? Is any man worth the possibility of a terrible curse, an eternity of suffering, an agonizing death? Help me out here, oracle! Am I being ridiculous? Or is Mr. Perfect really too good to be true?

Paranoid in Pembroke Pines

Dear Paranoid in Pembroke Pines,

Now your statues are standing and pouring sweat. They shiver with dread. The black blood drips from the highest rooftops. They have seen the necessity of evil. Get out, get out of my sanctum and drown your spirits in woe.

335 Comments

Turd Ferguson

Firsties!

Infinite Gist

canceraids.

dances with wolf blitzer

MYCSTP¹

YouNoob

MTGDYITWPW.²

Phil

[Owen Wilson walks out.]

Jenny R

im going through right now the same thing at first the guys hes perfect, nice car, nice close ,good teeth, and then today i find out the cars a rental and hes not really an orthodentist and i think also hes been using my credit card info to susbscribe to porn. all men even “perfect men” r PIGS! all u ladies BEWARE!

The sound of muzak

“orthodentist” LOL

Street Fighting Mannheim Steamroller

I’m going through right now the same thing too

WITH MY COCK

leaderhosen

Tits or GTFO

Ringtones

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Debra

HEY BARRACK HUSSAIN OBAMA IS THIS WHAT WE GET FOR HAVING A MUSLIM AL-QADA FOR PRESIDENT? 72 VIRGINS ARENT ENOUGH SO THERE GODS COME DOWN TO RAPE OUR WOMEN AND KILL THERE CHILDREN AND TIE THERE LEGS IN NOTS? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO ONE NATION UNDER GOD? GOD NOT GODS! BARRY LOOK OUT IN ‘12! GOD WILL PUNISH THE WICKED, AND BEFORE HE DOES WE WILL!

Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

@Debra – Islam is monotheistic. Muslims, like Christians and Jews, worship one god.
Bring Me the Head of Luther Vandross
TYPING IN ALL CAPS WILL GIVE YOU AN ERECTION!
3×1-1
CAPS LOCK CURES AIDS!
Street Fighting Mannheim Steamroller

CAPS LOCKS CURES CANCERAIDS!

qwertyuiop
ROTFL
Da Nuge

@Debra

YWDCAAAYRWBPCBMB³

Jenny R

how cum love hurts so much?? how cum no matter how hard u try to forget someone there always in ur mind? oracle if ur reading this i have a question should i get back with darrell cuz he hurt me so bad but i cant stop thinking about him also he has my first 4 seesons of lost on dvd oracle plz comment back thx.

TheOracle

Cum love hurts so much

IN THE BUTT!

Janie’s Got a Peter Gunn

Cum love is a many-splendored thing.

Ironic Hipster Douchebag

Cum love will tear us apart

Call me Ishmael but don’t call me late to dinner

Can you feel the cum love tonight?

the sound of muzak

Cum love hurts

Janie’s Got a Peter Gunn

All you need is cum love

Hot Lesbian Kissing Contest

She will be cum loved.

the sound of muzak

tainted cum love

Tony Danzas with Wolf Blitzer

I want to know what cum love is.

lovrnotafightr

@asfjk Foreigner FTW

the sound of muzak

Your cum love’s been a long time coming.

john brown’s booty

Tits or GTFO

Alan

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Alan

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Alan

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Ted

Heres one for the oracle,,,,

Our Manufacturing jobs are gone overseas to India, China, Philipines, Tiwaun,,,

We/I are unemployed,,,,,

Our unemployment insurance has run out,,,

After 30 years in Manufacturing Trades we are competing for jobs such as stockroom helpers at places like Wal-Mart (not that well get these jobs anyway),,,,

The Gulf of Mexico has become a toxic disaster,,,

Our own Government will not pass legislation to help us,,,,

Gods are seducing our women, tying their legs into knots, and make them burst into flames,,,,

And this is CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN?

Jimmy J

Palin/Paul 2012!

John Wayne’s World of Warcraft

@Ted and Jimmy J
Go kill yourself
Bruce

“Go kill yourself”

Typical lib response

U cant handle the truth

I cant wait til 2012 …. bye bye Barry!

DontTaseMeBro

@Ted, Jimmy J, and Bruce

Go suck off Beck, O’Reilly, and Hannity, and then kill your yourself.

Gary K

“@Ted and Jimmy J

Go kill yourself”

“@Ted, Jimmy J, and Bruce

Go suck off Beck, O’Reilly, and Hannity, and then kill your yourself.”

It’s go kill yourselves.

Pronoun/antecedent agreement, F*#!&-holes.

Scott

@John Wayne’s World of Warcraft and DontTaseMeBro

Go double-team a Starbucks barista and jack off to a Shepard Fairey Hope poster and eat out Arianna Huffington and then go kill yourselves.

blurstoftimes

YSMWYOMASWYOHTBOYOS⁴

Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

@Everyone

Your frustration is understandable. Your anger is palpable. But let neither hatred nor cynicism into your hearts, but love. The causes of your pain are manifold and complex. Let the blame not fall on one man, two men, a nation of men. Let this pain not multiply with hatred and vitriol. Let love guide your paths. Let truth and virtue show you the way.

the sound of muzak

@Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

Will you still cum love me tomorrow?

William H. Macy’s Day Parade

Firsties!

Who wants brisket?

Fail

Ironic Hipster Douchebag

Epic fail

Film or TV Reference

Canceraids canceraids canceraids

The Sound and the Furies
ITROTDYWBABADCEWWDYLFAOE⁵
InfoGraphx

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Jenny R

i dont understand whats wrong with me. everytime i meet a guy its teh same. oracle tell me tell whats wrong with me, why noone likes me, why no one cares why im crying all the time plz comment back im getting desperate, why cant annyone love me i just cant take it anymore, plz plz plz plz plz plz.

Bring Me the Head of Luther Vandross

“I just cant take it anymore”

That’s what she said!

the sound of muzak

Zing!

Tony Danzas with Wolf Blitzer

LOLZ

Street Fighting Mannheim Steamroller

I’ll love her

IN THE BUTT!

Don Henley and the Philadelphia Eagles

Double zing!

Phil

` ROTFL

TheOracle

I will always cum love you.

kevin costner and bryan adams making out in sherwood forest

TheOracle FTW!

Okra Winfrey

ROTFLMAO

Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

Jenny, you are loved. The world is not as cruel as you think. The cruelty that surrounds you is borne of the same frustration, pain, and self-doubt that you yourself feel. Dwell not on this cruelty—it is only a thin veneer, obscuring the great beauty and truth that lies beyond. Do not lose heart. Your day will come. Even in your darkest hour, you are loved. Even when cruelty suffocates you, when every voice assails you, when every heart is against you, when hatred and fear and violence are all you see, you are loved. Believe, Jenny. You are loved. You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

Mix Master Martin Luther King Jr.

@Athena, Goddess of Wisdom

Tits or GTFO

Robert Redford’s Plain Text Validation Engine

@Mix Master Martin Luther King Jr.

MTGDYITWPW

¹ May your crops succumb to pestilence.

² May the gods destroy you in the worst possible way.

³ You will die cold and alone and your remains will be picked clean by marauding beasts.

⁴ You shall mate with your own mother and shed with your own hands the blood of your own sire.

⁵ In the realm of the dead you will be awaited by a dagger-clawed eagle who will devour your liver for all of eternity.

---

To be continued in Part Four: By the Time I Get to Dadeland

Previous installments of Mt. Olympus, Miami

Photo by PelionClimber on Wikimedia