Previous installments of Mt. Olympus, Miami

While regular columnist M. Randall Withers recovers from non-specific head trauma, “I Will Now Advise You on the Following Matters” will be written by a series of guest authors and experts. This week’s guest columnists are Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, Greek personifications of destiny and noted motivational speakers, whose new book Of What Use Are Twelve Indispensable Management Strategies In Your Final Hour? (HarperCollins, $26.95) is out now in hardcover.

Landing Your Dream Summer Internship

Clotho: Your dreams trouble us.

Lachesis: Spiders, maggots, fax machines, murder, filing cabinets.

Atropos: Beware of administrative assistants bearing release of liability forms.

Hitting the Realty Investment Jackpot

C: Who do you think you’re kidding?

L: “Spare a quarter?” says the man outside the 52F / 250M mixed use development.

A: Cherry, cherry, cherry, plum.

Spicy Mexican Skillet Chicken in Thirty Minutes or Less

C: Everyone’s trying to outrun time.

L: Chopped fresh cilantro, if desired.

A: Hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait.

Getting That Jessica Alba Look

C: Your best years are gone.

L: The downward half of the parabolic curve.

A: Bronzer, blush, volumizing shampoo.

Maximizing Floor Space, Minimizing Clutter

C: Look at all that you require.

L: Wire partitions. Magazine racks. Trundle beds.

A: I saw the best minds of my generation installing recessed shelves.

Becoming a Total Man-Magnet

C: Ñ × B = 0

L: Eye contact. Smile. Small talk. Mystery. Make the first move. Hold a drink. Artificial scent. Bare shoulders. Vertical lines. Klonopin. Xanax. Liquid concealer. Don’t move.

A: External electric fields.

To be continued in Part Six: Now Is the Hialeah of Our Discontent

Previous installments of Mt. Olympus, Miami