Previous installments of Mt. Olympus, Miami
Odysseus: Hail Zeus! After ten long years, Troy is finally sacked. Come, my fellow Achaeans, let us set sail. Let us return home to our wives and children.
Achaean: Not so fast, Odysseus! Aren’t you forgetting something?
O: Tell me, comrade.
A: Why, a balanced breakfast, my king! Which is why we’ve looted a thousand daily rations of Kellogg’s Special K® Red Berries Cereal. Filled with succulently sweet strawberries, crispy rice, and whole grain wheat flakes, Red Berries Cereal packs ten essential vitamins and minerals into each and every bite! It’s the perfect way to start a homeward voyage—a voyage that’s positively ripe with possibilities.
O: Well . . . okay, surely the men are hungry after yesterday’s brutal and bloody conquest.
A: Kellogg’s Special K® Red Berries Cereal. A berry special part of your daily balanced breakfast.
* * *
Odysseus: Come, men! Cease your pillaging of the Cicones, and let us flee! They are far greater in number, and are clearly skilled in the art of war. Forget their booty, their women. Let us leave at once, to Greece!
Achaean: What if I told you that you didn’t have to leave at once?
O: Brother, there is no time to argue. If we do not flee, we shall surely perish.
A: What if I told you that the Burlington Coat Factory’s 30% Off Sale is extended until Sunday!
O: This concerns me not.
A: Aviator jackets! Trench coats! Bubble vests! 30% off!
O: Gentle Achaean, I implore you, let us make haste.
A: Peacoats! Bomber jackets! Fleece hoodies! 30% off!
O: Dost thou not hear? Their chariots approach!
A: Look at this Multi-pocket Washed Leather Jacket from Calvin Klein. With a 100% genuine leather shell, military-style epaulettes, and carefully distressed finish, it’s the very definition of classic cool. And through Sunday, it’s only $125.99!
O: Yes, truly this jacket is of the finest quality, but unfortunately now is not the . . .
A: And this Ladies’ Single-Breasted Coat from Hawke & Co., with its five-button front, gun flaps, belt with harness buckle, and charming tiered skirt. A fabulously feminine way to keep warm this fall!
O: It is true, this coat’s beauty is unassailable . . . and it would delight my beloved Penelope so . . .
A: And through Sunday, only $55.99!
O: Oh, curses . . .
A: And this Infant Athletic Bubble Jacket from London Fog . . .
O: Fine, fine. It is decided. Men, take one coat each. But swiftly, swiftly! The hour of our doom is at hand!
A: Burlington Coat Factory—we’re more than great coats!
* * *
Odysseus: We have tarried here in the Land of the Lotus-Eaters long enough. Think of your families, how they must pine for you. Let us proceed homeward. Let us not delay here another moment.
Lotus-Eater: Stressed out? Fed up? Monday’s got you down?
O: No, good sir, I simply wish to hasten our departure. My fair Penelope awaits me in Ithaca.
L: Never fear, relief is here: Bath & Body Works’ stress-relieving Eucalyptus Spearmint Bath Salts.
O: My sincere apologies, friend, but unfortunately we must now take our leave.
L: Part of Bath & Body Works’ unique Aromatherapy line, our bath salts’ patented formula contains a unique blend of essential oils and skin-soothing sea salts to nourish both the body and the mind.
O: Your offer is enticing, but if you knew my Penelope you would understand that every moment I am away from her is like an eternity.
L: And for a limited time only, buy any two amazing Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy products and get one free!
O: You are too generous. But, sadly, we must . . .
L: Lavendar Chamomile Pillow Mist! The natural lulling effects of chamomile combined with the sleep-enhancing properties of lavendar!
O: Men! The time is come. Into the ships!
L: Lavendar Vanilla Dream Bath! With aloe to nourish and rejuvenate skin!
O: Men! Do not defy my orders!
L: Orange Ginger Energy Sudsing Scrub!
O: Men!
L: Black Currant Vanilla Sensuality Body Wash!
O: Men! Men! Men!
L: Stressed out? Fed up? Monday’s got you down?
O: In truth, sir, it could be said—yes.
L: Then never fear, relief is here.
O: Men!
L: Relax. Unwind.
O: Men!
L: Let go. Be.
O: Men!
L: Aromatherapy, by Bath & Body Works.
* * *
Polyphemus: Help! Help! Nobody is hurting me!
Odysseus: Men! Quick! Tie yourselves to the bellies of the cyclops’ sheep, and let us escape to the ships.
P: Aiiieeeeeee! Help!
Other Cyclops: Polyphemus, who is hurting you?
O: Good, men, we’re almost there.
P: Nobody! Nobody hurt me. Nobody blinded me!
O: Patience, just a little farther . . .
OC: Well if nobody blinded you, then cease your crying and go back to . . .
Wilford Brimley: It wasn’t nobody who blinded you. It was Odysseus, Son of Laertes, King of Ithaca.
O: Comrade, be silent!
W: And I’m Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical.
O: Are you crazy, man? Hold your tongue!
W: I’m a diabetic.
P: Odysseus? Wilford Brimley? What men are these?
W: Did you know that diabetes is the number one cause of new blindness in adults? And that people with diabetes are 40% more likely to develop glaucoma, and 60% more likely to develop cataracts?
P: Whence come their voices, diabolical and strange?
O: Master Brimley, be still! Or is your desire suicide?
W: Now, I know how serious this disease is, but I also know a way to control it.
OC: Polyphemus! The sheep! They are hiding themselves beneath the sheep!
W: Check your blood sugar, and check it often.
O: Men! Now! To the ships!
W: Liberty makes that easier.
P: Brothers, kill them! Destroy them! Devour them!
W: If you’re sixty-five or over, on Medicare, and diabetic, call Liberty right now.
O: Row, men! Row! Row!
P: But leave me the ones who call themselves Odysseus and Brimley. On those I shall mete my own revenge.
W: They’re the country’s largest Medicare mail-order diabetic testing supply company, and they make things simple. They bring your supply right to your door.
OC: Polyphemus, alas! They have escaped. Their ships are beyond our reach.
W: And Liberty bills Medicare and your insurance company. That’s right—no money up front, and no more forms to fill out.
O: Brimley! Stop, I implore you.
P: Father! Poseidon! The raven-haired, Earth-Enfolder!
W: Diabetes doesn’t have to take over your life. Check your blood sugar. Check it often. See there’s just no reason not to.
O: You shall only enrage him further.
P: If indeed I am your son, if indeed you declare yourself my father, grant that Odysseus the city-sacker may never return home again; or if he is fated to see his kith and kin and so reach his high-roofed house and his own country, let him come late and come in misery, after the loss of all his comrades, and carried upon an alien ship; and in his house let him find mischief.
O: This bodes not well, Brimley.
W: And call Liberty. They’re professionals and they can help you live a better life.
* * *
Eurylochus: Odysseus! Take heed! Circe, the woman of the wood, is an evil witch-goddess! She has laced her food with a magical potion and transformed your men into swine!
O: I am grateful for your counsel, dear Eurylochus. I shall gather the remaining men and set out to rescue our comrades at once.
Hermes: Hold it right there, Son of Laertes.
O: Hermes! The great messenger of the gods!
H: Tired of the same old, boring barbecue sauce?
O: <sigh> This is growing tiresome.
H: Then say hello to Kraft Honey Mustard Barbecue Sauce!
E: Hmmm . . . tangy.
Achaean: So flavorful!
H: Different, right? That’s the Kraft difference.
Achaean: You said it, Hermes. Mmm mmm. Now if only we had something to . . . wait a second, you know what this would go great on . . .
O: No. No. Speak not another word.
A: Eurylochus, that Brimley guy? Did he get transformed?
E: Yes, he has been transformed into a particularly delectable swine.
A: Come on, O-Dog. What do you say?
O: My sweet Penelope, shall I ever again gaze upon your beautiful face?
H: Kraft Honey Mustard Barbecue Sauce: Taste the Excitement!
A: Wooo pig! Wooo pig! Soooey!
Wilford Brimley: Oink oink oink oink oink!
* * *
Odysseus: Dearest Circe, the year I have spent with you has been full of pleasure, but I cannot remain here forever. The time has come for us to part.
Circe: No, lover, I pray—stay.
O: I shall always remember you fondly, but my heart belongs to another.
C: Your wife Penelope.
O: Yes, Penelope, Queen of Ithaca, my home.
C: I see. And Penelope, she applies K-Y Touch™ 2-in-1 Warming™sensual massage oil and lubricant to your aching neck and shoulders every night?
O: She does not.
C: But, she cooks you delicious, healthy meals on a George Foreman Champ™ Grill, yes? The grill whose patented sloped design and George Tough™ nonstick coating helps unhealthy fat and excess liquids drain away from you food?
O: No, we do not have such wonders in Ithaca.
C: But, surely, she teases you in bed with lacy thongs, hiphuggers, and fishnet panties from Victoria Secret’s Sexy Little Things® collection?
O: She wears a tunic and cloak in the traditional way.
C: But you like the K-Y Touch™ 2-in-1 Warming™sensual massage oil and lubricant, yes?
O: Yes, I like the K-Y Touch™ 2-in-1 Warming™sensual massage oil and lubricant very much.
C: And you prefer my meals cooked on the George Foreman Champ™ Grill to your meals in Ithaca, do you not?
O: I do, the George Tough™ nonstick coating truly is a cause for marvel.
C: And if you could choose, you would prefer your woman to wear Victoria’s Secret erotic Sexy Little Things® lingerie rather than a drab, heavy wool cloak in bed, is that right?
O: Witch-goddess Circe, you do easily discern my thoughts in regards to the Victoria’s Secret Sexy Little Things® lingerie.
C: So then . . . why does your heart belong to Penelope again?
O: I love her.
C: Such a shame, dearest Odysseus, for Victoria’s Secret has recently launched a new collection of sheer babydolls, corsets, and teddies—the Sirens® collection—and I was so looking forward to modeling them for you . . .
O: Well . . . perhaps I could stay one more night . . .
* * *
Siren: Bad credit? No credit? No problem!
Odysseus: Untie me from the mast!
S: Side effects may include . . .
O: Untie me from the mast!
S: This Christmas, come see the movie that Joel Siegel of Good Morning America calls . . .
O: Untie me from the mast!
S: Fares, taxes, fees, rules, and offers are subject to change without notice. Other restrictions may apply.
O: Untie me from the mast!
* * *
Calypso: Honey!
Odysseus: Yes, dear?
C: Clumsy me, I spilled grape juice all over our new carpet! Now it’s ruined!
O: Ruined? Oh honey! Not if Spot Shot® Instant Carpet Stain Remover has anything to say about it!
Spot Shot® Instant Carpet Stain Remover: Odysseus, you must leave this place.
O: What’s that, little buddy? Did you say that you eliminate the toughest carpet stains—even old stains?
S: You have been trapped on this island for seven years.
O: That you work great on pet stains, coffee, spaghetti sauce, grease and oil, marker, wine, and more?
S: You must return home. To Ithaca.
C: Wow, so you just spray on Spot Shot® and blot the stain away. No need for rubbing or scrubbing.
S: To your wife, Odysseus.
O: Yes, it’s that simple.
S: To Penelope.
O: And the stain-eliminating power of Spot Shot® is available in both an aerosol can and a trigger spray bottle!
C: Hail Zeus!
S: Penelope. Dost thou not remember faithful Penelope? The Queen of Ithaca? Your one true love? The mother of your child?
C: Oh honey! Look! The grape juice is gone!
S: Dost thou not remember her face? Her soft, rosy lips? Her star-kissed eyes?
O: Gone? With Spot Shot® Instant Carpet Stain Remover, it’s like the stain was never even there!
S: Say her name, Odysseus.
C: I can’t believe it! Thank you! Oh, thank you, Spot Shot®!
S: Penelope. Penelope. Say it.
O: Look for Spot Shot® in the household cleaning section of your favorite supermarket, drugstore, or club store.
S: Penelope. Penelope. Penelope.
C: Oh honey, I’ll never cry over another stain again.
S: Penelope.
O: Stain? What stain?
S: Penelope.
O: Spot Shot®.
Paul M Davis